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Please edit the poems I have written for my English class. Below you could find the comments my teacher has made in regards to my poems. You can feel free to change. anything. Thank you! “Flames” comments:
1. Needs to be at least 14 lines.
2. Rhythm 3. Loose the rhyme due to the length of lines. (Same number of syllabus in every line).
4. Correct grammatical issue. (i.e. “Without a move”)
5. Establish a pattern.
6. Change the wording.
7. Remove the line about Louvre.
8. Establish what the poem is about. (topic) “Lonely Flower” comments: While villanelles don’t require a meter, there’s still an expectation of a cohesive rhythm and there are a few lines I feel throw off the rhythm you’re establishing not only with the repeated lines but some of the unrepeated lines. If you’d like to consider this, the lines I’m noticing this is the case are the longer lines in general, but especially 4, 5, 10. The lines where you include the word “just” are bumpy; the word is probably not needed.
I may recommend reading it back to yourself so you can hear the extra beats in the rhythm. Again, this isn’t about meter or even ensuring that you have the same beats in each line, just that there’s not a major difference throwing the rhythm off. There are some spots, too, where you introduce an idea or metaphor, the pieces of which don’t quite fit together: the flower was all jokes. What does this mean? Whenever someone looked he bowed? You mean when someone looked at him? Then there’s the last idea, I think, where the flower is run over by a car.
This seems to be the “climax,” so to speak of your poem but the repeated lines are about the rain and the flower continuing to grow. What’s the connection to the car? Lastly, a few of your rhymes are a bit too easy, when you use the exact same word as a rhyme, for instance. Now this happens, of course, and can work. But it has to feel intentional and not simply, as I say too easy.